Fuck Your Victim Story.

Victimization.

I understand that this writing and post may be a bit edgy and polarizing, but it’s a topic that I have seen countlessly in the sex positive world, world at large, at tantra workshops/festivals and in my own relationships.

The leaning into our victimization.

Why do people do this?

Because, it’s actually easier.

It is easier than taking POWERFUL ACCOUNTABILITY and making tough changes in life.

People complain about their partners or miserable and sexless marriages. I have come to the sharp point of simply just saying…

“So change it. You are choosing this.”

And then what happens next…

“Well…I mean I do love…xyz…or we have kids…or it’s finances…”

Whatever excuse they have to keep their lives in tact. Okay. So powerfully own your own choices, discontentment and find the gratitude in what you still have.

You are not a victim.

To claim victimhood…is not a powerful stance and I hope people rise above this perspective and claim self responsibility instead.

This became incredibly illuminated recently at a Tantra festival in Sweden. For the week long festival, we had a small sharing group of five of us everyday at 3pm. One of the guys in the group, a very tall Italian man with kind eyes shared for the first few days how lonely he felt. Some of his sharing came with tears and I really felt for him.

On day 4, there was a workshop that required a partner. It was clothed and a fairly low intimacy touch workshop. I was running late that day (staying off premises and biked over) and didn’t have a partner for any of the partner workshops. I saw this man…probably in his 40s or 50s sitting alone so I figured it would be nice to invite him to a workshop. He agreed and we made our way to this FOUR HOUR long workshop.

(Mind you…I typically charge over $1,200 for someone to spend 4 hours of coaching TIME with me—but truly was happy to spend time with this human).

The gist of the workshop was giving and receiving light and energetic touch, one person will receive for about an hour, the other will give for about an hour. I was in the receiving role first. I told him my physical boundaries, laid down and closed my eyes. My eyes were still heavy from jet lag and it felt so incredible to just go inward into myself to receive.

After the receiving portion, the giver (him) was given a sheet of paper to describe what we saw in the other person. I felt as if I was laying there in a very deep place of bliss and very content. I felt warm, open, pleased, relaxed, deeply in my body.

I was shocked to read what this guy wrote on the paper. “Sad, closed, lonely…etc.”

I’m unsure if he misunderstood the assignment or actually just had one of the worst lens of projections I’ve ever encountered. These were clearly HIS feelings, not mine.

It was so NOT what my experience was. I asked him about it and he proceeded to go into how HE was sad that I made such little eye contact with him and that he wanted more connection with me.

Pause.

What…?

First—he was in the role of giving. This session was actually not about him, yet he was making it very much and all about him. I was quite disappointed at his reality and think I promised myself to not make that error at a workshop again—meaning I do not need to waste my time and energy with someone who hasn’t learned literally the BASICS. No more beginners. If he wants to work with me, sure—-but everything else is a no.

Professionals do not need to be engaging with beginners. In fact—its crucial to my own energy and self care to not do that again. This is another reason people in my field have a challenging time dating. A lot of people have not done deeper internal work nor questioned themselves deeply in regards to sexuality.

My empathy and concern for him diminished a lot in that moment. I no longer saw him as a lonely and lovable man, but a man who wasn’t recognizing gratitude nor what was already in front of him. I felt my time, energy nor invitation was not appreciated which made me want to give…LESS.

I saw him as 100% very responsible for his reality and recognized his distortion with reality, projection and probably the reason why he had been lonely his whole life. I didn’t want to be around him after that either and wanted to be away from his energy field—very clearly repelling me. He seemed to have very little awareness of the other person, how to genuinely GIVE without needing something in return and a greediness of wanting more from me than I was willing to give nor was really that appropriate for a workshop with a complete aquaintance.

I saw him later that day stand up in front of a workshop and again proceed to tell the group how “lonely” and “unchosen” he felt.

But I chose him.

I invited him to spend several hours with me.

It was a nice time… and he still felt “lonely and unchosen”.

This is victimization. This actually wasn’t a true story. His feelings could have absolutely still been void, lacking and of loneliness but the rest of it was just crocodile tears not based in reality.

After observing him for a few days, I completely realized why a person like that would feel alone in the world. He is pushing away sincerity and genuine offers in connection for some kind of “better or ideal” connection instead of just enjoying what already is, the moment as it is—-and yeah, projecting his bullshit onto women who in response want nothing to do with him.

I offered this individual my feedback and he seemed to take parts of it in; however, I’m a bit unsure if he really understood what I was actually even saying. It was a unique remembering into dynamics like that…which I haven’t come across in my person life in quite some time…

He was very much someone that I saw as a client, someone to work with but really not someone to engage with on any other level than that—-he actually took and drained more energy than anything and I felt like I had to be the role of “teacher” with him. Not fun, not sexy.

His victimhood was very unattractive and repelled people, creating more “loneliness” and “isolation” to further support his victim cyclical story.

You may be thinking, “Oh my god, victim blaming!”

No. I’m not blaming him because I really don’t see him as a “victim” but I do see the pattern pretty clearly that is limiting his experience and connection in life and with women and I’m realizing how other people are responding to him…by wanting to not engage with him after a few initial engagements.

I told a few of my friends in the industry about this and we were all pretty baffled…and honestly kind of scared. People like this are actually quite dangerous as they WILL blame YOU for THEIR feelings, which again is another disempowered place to live life.

From people who have done the work, it is very clear what is happening.

Projection, distortion, victimhood.

I learned a few lessons in this and probably will never invite the lonely guy to a workshop again and feel pretty righteous that my pro-bono work for the year has been completed. You are welcome.

Fuck your victim story.

It’s not empowering.

It’s not sexy.

It keeps you so stuck and so small.

It actually repulses the exact thing you claim to say you want.

Self Accountability is sexy.

Your energy is everything.

People can feel it and either want to be closer to it, or further away.

YES. Things happen and traumatic events are REAL. I’ve navigated SEVERAL of them in my life and still refuse victimhood. The events and stories always had magical gifts to deliver and internal strength and discovery to embody!

Imagining myself as a powerful creator is life, love, magic and connection is SO much more of an empowering place to live, explore from, engage others in and find truth in.

So what are you powerfully creating?