How to Talk About SEX
How To Talk About Sex With Your Partner Depending on Your Blueprint
&
How to Most Efficiently and Effectively Talk About SEX
by Candice Leigh
I hear from clients all the time how they have unmet needs, big desires and what they wish their sex and intimate lives would look like yet…when I ask them, “Well, have you talked to your partner about all of this…?”
“Well, no…”
“Well, I just haven't found the right time…”
“I’m afraid of what they will say.”
“I already just KNOW my partner won’t be interested.”
“I tried one time, but they shut me down…”
“I don’t want to be rejected again…”
So then the question becomes, how important is it that your desires and needs be met?
If you are unwilling to approach the conversation, either your needs and desires take a backseat of never being met or you decide to get your needs met elsewhere and in doing so…possibly choosing to cheat.
Sounds like a challenging cycle to be in and the only way to approach this that i have found in my life is to be extremely direct with what I desire, my needs and to communicate abundantly to partners that I am very open to getting those needs met elsewhere or outside of the relationship.
Extra challenging for people who consider themselves to be monogamous and have needs, desires and curiosities…but are relying on one person to meet those needs.
So here are some ideas on how to approach your partner on how to talk about sex depending on their erotic blueprint. Determining their blueprint is a whole other conversation, but hopefully this provides several ideas to try. (Read the writing on Blueprints to get more understanding!)
Another tip to try is to also incorporate knowing their love language. I won’t go into all that, but I’m sure you’ve heard of the book or have an understanding of the love languages.
If your partner is an Energetic:
How an Energetic Talks about Sex:
-approach sex from the heart; feeling and deep connection. Choosing language that feels soft and inviting for them and approaching the conversation with an actual slow and gentle VOICE. Yes. Your voice matters and the way you express things can already be a turn on or turn off.
-Energetics also need SPACE and are sensitive to abruption, so possibly creating a soft and quiet space for the conversation to take place could be helpful. Think quiet time with the lights low, a quiet and cozy restaurant, at home when the kids are asleep and maybe with a candle lit or on a long walk without too many people/distractions around.
-If you approach an Energetic in a forward, loud, aggressive or intense way…they will not even hear your message, will just HEAR your energy and it won’t actually WORK with their sensitive energetic system
Some examples:
“Love, there is something that I want to approach with you. It’s nothing bad, just want to speak with you about a few things when you have the openness in your heart and schedule…”
“Would you be open to having a heart to heart with me (now or soon)?”
“I have a few things weighing heavy on my heart and I’d love to express them with you.”
“I want a deeper connection with you—-body, heart and soul…can we discuss a few things I am longing for?”
How a Sensual Talks about Sex:
-Since a sensual is all about the ambiance and feeling of an environment, it may be wise to talk about sex in a sensual environment. Clean the room, make the bed, light a candle, help them with their task list so they can be more present and dropped into the sensuality of the moment.
-Or take them to a dark and romantic sexy and sensual place.
-Smell good when you approach this convo
-Make sure the environment is beautiful
Some examples:
“I want to satisfy you more deeply in all ways. How can I satisfy your desires? I do have some desires, may I share them with you?”
A sensual loves seduction. Touch them with a rose or lightly with your fingers. Whisper your desires in their ear in a sensual way
Make the way you express your desires BE an art form
Get creative. Write them a sensual note expressing in a bit of flowery language what you want to do with them/to them/ etc.
How a Sexual Talks about Sex:
-A sexual type will be very blatant and matter of fact when approaching this topic.
-More than likely, they will not hold back, sugarcoat or really overanalyze their desires. In fact, I would imagine it would be very challenging for a true Sexual Blueprint to have not already told you exactly what they want, desire and need in a sexual relationship.
-A Sexual type will appreciate direct communication, a no nonsense approach.
Some examples:
“I want to explore more things sexually with you.”
“What are your desires/needs in regards to sex?”
“Are you satisfied with our sex life?”
“What do you wish was different in our sex life?”
“Is there anything you want more of or less of during sex?”
“I desire to try XYZ with you. Are you open to this?”
How a Kinky Talks about Sex:
If your partner is kinky, you probably already know and they are more than likely pretty clear with you on what their interests/desires are—but maybe they have zero experience in kink and are just simply INTERESTED in kink.
If this if the case, you can also go over a kink/BDSM checklist. There are SEVERAL online. Here are a few of my favorites:
-https://www.dragonstailalc.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/08/Massive-BDSM-Checklist.pdf
FYI: If you are new to kink/bdsm get ready to google a lot of things that maybe you’ve never heard of…or thought of…
***My absolute favorite BDSM/KINK Checklists in available on google drive: I will give you access if you request it:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1uq7zmTCESORa98cSxpdfnrI4mZup1wiRttHMvIBgmso/edit?usp=sharing
Some other ways of approaching kink and BDSM with a partner is to suggest watching a kink heavy movie together and then asking them if any part of it turned you on.
I remember watching The Secretary with a partner and I almost couldn’t stop myself from wanting to jump their bones. We spoke openly about a lot of the kink scenes and I told them what I thought was hot and vice versa.
Sexy Movies to Watch & Discuss:
-The Secretary
-Bliss (less kink and more tantra but could be helpful for opening up several convos)
This is the best list I have found!
https://www.eroscoaching.com/2017/09/11-bdsm-movies-on-netflix-that-are-better-than-50-shades/
How a Shapeshifter Talks about Sex:
-Haha! I’m sure any approach above should work!
HOW TO TALK ABOUT SEX IF YOU ARE NOT IN A RELATIONSHIP OR IF YOU DO NOT KNOW YOUR PARTNERS EROTIC BLUEPRINT:
The BEST Acronym I have found to have Deep, Quick, Efficient, Intelligent and Important Conversations with a Partner About SEX that can happen within 10-15mins: You don’t even have to break it down or explain to them in the format, but I always go through the questions if I am wanting to get answers and to have an encounter as mindful as possible.
R: RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
-Are you truly and fully single?
-Are you casually dating?
-Are you monogamous or poly? If open or poly, how many partners or what are your partner constellation?
-Are you in an open relationship with a primary partner that you live with?
-Are you a relationship anarchist?
-Anything that reveals your present moment relationship status
-A new thing that I have started to request is… “Are you heartbroken or healing from an old relationship?” This can help manage expectations from the get go as well.
B: BOUNDARIES:
-What are your boundaries or non-touch zones?
-Are you open to just kissing and nothing else?
-Are you open to oral sex but not penetrative sex?
-Are you open to any kind of nudity during the experience but not intimate touching? And define what “intimate touching” means TO YOU
-Perhaps the boundary is time and you only have a few hours together? Communicate that.
D: DESIRES:
-What do you desire from this experience together?
-Receive a massage?
-Give a massage?
-Have penetrative sex?
-Do an eye gazing practice?
-Do an energetic sex exchange?
-Just cuddle?
-Go into a deeply kinky scene?
-Be as specific as possible
S: SAFETY:
-What kind of contraceptive (if applicable) applies? Condoms? On the pill? Have an IUD? Had a vasectomy?
-When was your last STI test? WHAT was tested for and what were the results?
-Please for the love of God, do NOT say you are “clean”…as it exacerbates the already held stigma of STI’s meaning someone is “dirty”. Say you tested negative for…XYZ or positive for… XYZ
M: MEANING:
-What would it MEAN if we explored our mutual desires?
-AKA the “what are you looking for?” conversation
-If someone is interested in starting a possible long term relationship and the other is just wanting an in the moment connection with no interest/desire to reconnect afterwards… would save a lot of damn time to express this NOW. And yes things can change…and it IS your responsibility to ask additional info OR express how your feelings/meanings have changed!
Hope this is helpful!!!
-Candice Leigh